I am a single mother of a 19 year old and a 17 year old. For the longest time I have raised them on my own. Not because I was single, but because of my emotional and physical involvement in raising them. As one is navigating college and the other is preparing to enter college, I am in kindergarten learning the art of letting go. I guess it will take a good while to learn this lesson, because it is not about just letting go. The skill I need to acquire is to know when to let go, when to be available, when to hold on. Its a full length practical class. And suddenly I feel, all the parenting lessons I learnt in the last 20 years, doesn’t really matter. I thought I was now proficient, not skilled or advanced, but proficient in parenting, and just then comes racing towards me another curve ball.

Children this age are being themselves, learning, exploring, pushing the boundaries, testing the waters, seeing how deep they can go before they have to come up to catch some air. My mom made it look so easy, when the adamant 17 year old me decided to go to Manipal, or the 21 year old me, decided to travel alone from Bangalore to different parts of the country to meet my partner. I remember seeing some fear on her face, but nevertheless, she stood there, smiled and waved at me as the train pulled away. If she were around, there is only one question I would ask, how did you do it.

It is a conscious decision I make everyday, again and again, its ok, let them do it. Its ok if they fail, its ok if they fall. I have the life jacket, rather, I am their life jacket or their oxygen mask. They know when they need it. They will grab it. So many metaphors I can think of from around us, in our world that equate to this situation. Like, I’ve taught them how to use their wings and now they are jumping off the cliff. They will land, maybe all nice and clean, maybe with a few broken bones, but they will survive. It is something I need to and tell myself everyday, because there is no other way of navigating this phase of parenting, other than being calm and patient. They do not want to walk in my shadow, because they are ready to feel the sun on their face.

In Life of Pi, the character says something to the effect of, finishing a puzzle is deeply satisfying because you have tried every misfit and found the perfect place for every piece. When the puzzle is finished, every piece has found its place. Life is never that way, so a puzzle fulfills your intimate need to bring order to the chaos. We have so much chaos going on inside our head. The puzzle pieces are flying everywhere, we are trying to put each one in its place, but most times it just does not fit. Parenting is one such huge puzzle, maybe the last piece fits when you stop being a parent, with the last breath of life. Elizabeth Gilbert said being a parent is like getting a tattoo on the face. It takes all your life to understand what this tattoo looks like. It is painful, it hurts, you appreciate its beauty, gives you joy, sometimes it oozes, and takes a lifetime to heal.

All said and done, would I do it again, without a moment’s thought ‘yes’. Being a mom fills my soul. I have to be honest, it is not always a bed of lilies, sometimes it sucks. But, there are no guarantees to anything in this colossal mess called life.