Judgemental

This word is very beautifully explained in the movie English Vinglish in the climax scene. The protagonist of the movie has overcome her inner conflict and is telling a newly wed couple of how a family should not be judgemental. I clapped at the end of the scene.

When I look back at the almost-a-lifetime relationships I have, I see that the strength of these relationships lies in the fact that the other person or me are not judgemental about each other. We may not agree about everything, but we do not pass a judgement on their character. That is precisely why the relationship has lasted so many years.

When a person passes a judgemental remark you want to steer clear of them, that’s basic human instinct, I think. They may want to help you become a better person, because they definitely see what you cannot see. But there is a sensitive way to put it across. At the end of the day what you want to preserve is the relationship and not correct that one trait.

If you are a person who doesn’t care about such remarks, good for you. Cheers! There are those sensitive, emotional, humbugs like me, where attacks on character are like that bell inside your head which refuses to shut off. At every instance of the action, the bell goes off and one part of your mind is telling you, just do it. It’s a crazy conflict to have, in time this too shall pass. Probably there are people out there whose self-confidence could be shaken.

Ever wondered why these relationships are so complicated to make and maintain? You cannot live without them and sometimes with them 😉…

To lifetime relationships, don’t judge, there is too much at stake.

Advertisements

Us!

There are straight lines

There are curves

In some places there are dents

Yet it’s complete

In the curves blend mine

My extensions fill the dents

Like yours mine

If I look from the sides

There is no shape

When I look from the top

It’s a perfect circle

Like the sun

Or the moon

Or the eyes

Of anything perfect

Of Us!!

Disabled…

If you want to group them into years

Then it’s been three years

But the loss felt each day

Is the same

Has it diminished?

Atleast by a bit?

I would know

Only when

I can believe that she’s left

On her own independent journey

To fly across the skies

To climb the the highest mountains

To run with able legs

While I go on

Emotionally

Disabled.

Is that what it is?

As a mother me like many of my friends are in a constant battle in our mind about what is right for our children. Sometimes spouses help make a decision and sometimes leave it to us to decide. It’s the leaving to us to decide that scares me.

The logic is simple.. “will I be blamed for this later?”, by anyone, is the question we are finding an answer for, day in and day out. It could be the child who says, you did it this way or you didn’t do it this way. It could be the spouse or it could be a friend or family member. We gnaw on our brains constantly to find the right balance, right answer, right thing to do without being blamed.

So that is what it is? Finding the path of no blame? I know my mom went through this when she was struggling to get an admission for my brother at Bishop Cottons. She said she didn’t want him to blame her later on that she sent me to Bishop Cottons and him to a lesser standard school. So she did go through this phase.

Maybe these thoughts led to my character, Shalini in my second book. She is a mother of four who constantly tries to avoid being blamed by everyone. Mother instincts I guess.

I always believe identifying the problem is half the job done. I guess it’s time to adopt Nike’s caption.. Just do it! Or maybe not.. what if……..?

Narcissist

I first heard this word when a friend from college used this word as his ORKUT profile name. I wondered what it meant. I didn’t bother to Google or look up the meaning. In my writing class yesterday, a participant was talking about her book and a character who is a narcissist. For sometime now I have known the meaning, but this word has been gnawing on my mind, and I had to write about it.

It is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self importance, chronic, can be treated but cannot be cured.

There are many other adjectives to describe such people, manipulative, cocky, selfish, patronizing, demanding and so on. Narcissists can cause feelings of lack of self importance in you, leading to depression. It is important to understand narcissistic behavior, something we rarely recognize, camouflaged as normal human behaviour. This is more so for the individuals interfacing with narcissistic behavior than the narcissist himself or herself.

As I read more about Narcisstic Personality Disorder NPD I am intrigued by this category of people. Their rage for one arises from denial, so they don’t feel guilty instead make others around them feel guilty for no fault of theirs. When their self esteem is hurt they go into a fit of rage.

Narcisstic people generally have failed relationships. Such failed relationships confirm that their way of living is the right thing to do. Some sort of a chicken and egg situation. It is very difficult for such people to give and take in any relationship because everything is about taking.

Their sense of being unique and sense of entitlement stems from either genetic disorders or some form of childhood abuse or neglect, is what I read. I think it’s probably more of neglect or a sort of less worthy feeling shoved on them that their defenses propel them into narcissistic behavior? As they grow, the ego grow into a beast which they cannot control, ultimately killing their desire to control it.

Another thing I read is Gaslighting – masterful manipulation to gain control over you. A dangerous form of emotional abuse where the victim is forced to rethink his or her judgements thereby becoming completely dependent on the narcissist.

Expecting to be appreciated by a narcissist is something you should not wait for, especially if you are a victim. There is never enough of appreciating a narcissist and they cannot see beyond themselves. It is extremely difficult for them to appreciate another human being or act. When they do, they may appear normal, but that’s a facade, within no time they will bounce back into their shell.

A large population thinks that abuse counts only when it’s physical. Emotional abuse is more lethal, like slow poison. As a society we are light years away from recognizing emotional abuse and finding a solution. There are laws for physical abuse, I don’t think there are any for emotional abuse.

I believe the first step is to identify narcissistic behavior and put yourself above the behavior however difficult it may be. You have to hold up your sense of self importance and self respect. What you actually do about the person – distance yourself or deal with it as sanely as possible depends on the relationship you have with the person. Being aware is essential.

Where is the light

The mesh around us
So high
Gates locked
They walk around morning to night
How will we run
And to where
Do they think
I don’t know where Ma is
Or Pa
When will I see them
Or will I
Where I come from
Was a mad place
This was my way to life
Path to hope
I look for the light
I look for Ma
Pa
All I see is darkness
This cage
Locked
And many
Like me.