No, not the conventional marathon running. I’ve done a few conventional 5Ks but I’ve been on a marathon run from my feelings. The most recent one that started on Sep 3rd. When they took my father away, it felt like they were taking something from my house, not my father. And since that day I’ve been running, running away from the fact that he’s gone. My head knows it, my body feels it, but I refuse to accept it, so I keep running.
To get away from strong emotions, people take a vacation or a getaway, but then what’s the point. They come back to the same physical space, that is waiting to remind them, “see what you ran from, it’s all here”. When people leave, it’s not the physical space they occupied, but the way they made you feel. The subtle gestures, the smiles of understanding, the feeling of the arm around your shoulder. Yea at this point I’m not talking about my father.
Yes I did see the rainbow, but don’t rainbows last only as long as there is moisture in the air and the sun is out. When the moisture settles down, and the sun sets, the rainbow disappears.
When I went to watch a movie last week, I saw this woman on a wheelchair, the innumerable wrinkles on her arms tell stories of years lived. It was an effort, I could easily see, for her to lift her hand and hand me the ticket. Her hand and her mind were not processing at the same speed they once did. I was patient, I wanted her to feel accomplished. She wasn’t running, I guess. She was there in that moment handing out tickets, telling me which hall my movie was playing. Witnessing these things makes me feel, what is it that I am sad about?
Today as I sit at the stadium waiting for my son’s band to perform, I see another lady, panting as she climbs each step to find a seat. Another set of wrinkles speaking a thousand stories. Yet she is here, making that effort for her grandchild, to cheer him or her or them on. What have I got to complain? The sun will rise again tomorrow. The moon is right in front of me shining and mocking at me. It will be a new day, there will be smiles again. There is no need to run from anything. The world is exactly as it was supposed to be and I am here, just where I am supposed to me, cheering my baby on.. like I am supposed to do..