मेरी मुलाकात, मुझसे…

सूरज की रौशनी में पत्तियाँ जाग उठी हैं 
उनके जीवन में एक नया दिन, एक नई शुरुवात, 
हवा भी अपना जादू चला रही है 
पत्तियाँ इसी खुशी में दोल रही है शायद 
मेरे चेहरे पर एक मुस्कान की कमी है 
सूरज और हवा वो खिला नही पाती 
झरोके से देखूं तो सब कुछ हरा भरा है 
दिल में झाँकू तो एक वीरानगी सी चाई है 
मेहफ़िल है मेरे चारों ओर, 
कितने लोग, कितनी हसी, 
आईना देखूं तो मेरे चेहरे पर हसी है, 
लेकिन क्या येह मेरा चेहरा है? 
पेहचन नही पाती मैं अपनी तस्वीर को 
कभी कबार पेहचान लेती हूँ अपनी परछाई को 
इस नई सुबह मैं खोजने निकली हूँ इसी दुआ से, 
के किसी मोड़ पर मेरी मुलाकात हो जाए, मुझसे, 
इस बार आफताब और हवा मेरी मदद करदे शायद।

An old one…

दिलों की कमी नही है, पर प्यार कितना कम है,
लफ्जों की कमी नही है, पर एहसास कितना कम है
हवाओं की कमी नही है, पर साँसें कितनी कम है,
देहेकता सूरज होने पर भी, मेरी दुनिया में रौशनी कितनी कम है.

My own rendition of Manikutty..

Being born to an artist should have propagated into me, some genes of how to hold a pencil. While at high school, like most children that age, I too was mesmerized with the sparkle and glitter of tinsel town. The mademoiselle’s who always have a fair complexion, without regular use of Fair and Lovely or other creams in the market. The women always so tall, or always depicted as if they were all over five feet six inches, without wearing fancy heels. Their perfect features, hair that always stayed in the right place and never blew with the wind. To catch glimpses of these beauties, I would tug at my father to buy me a new edition of Filmfare – the magazine with the most gossip. I loved reading what happened in their lives, consequently, I helped feed a few people, termed as the “makers” of Filmfare. The Filmfare magazine was about 25 rupees then, way too big an amount to spend to read gossip about people you could never relate to. So each time I made a trip by train/bus to my grandmother’s house, I was allowed to buy a “book” to read. I used those opportunities to buy my gateway to Tinsel Town, the Filmfare magazine. On seeing certain stars on the cover page, I used to be so thrilled, and couldn’t wait to open the book and read up every word on every page.
While flipping through the pages of a Filmfare, I found full page pictures of ladies of tinsel town. That inspired me to pick up a pencil and paper and try my hand at sketching. I managed a few portraits, and a few pictures of children from advertisement pages. After moving my eyes from the magazine to the paper a thousand times, I would make that final stroke and take a good look at my creation. With great pride, that I am my father’s daughter would show the masterpiece to him. After looking at it with squared eyes, he would say, ‘the lips are a little out of proportion’, ‘if you see the top part of the face, the eyes are not in the same plane’, ‘you need to add more details around the nose’, ‘the shading near the eye should be darker’ and so on.. Each of his statements, helped me in my next sketch.
This was more than 12 years ago.
When I joined engineering at Manipal, I had a room-mate called Ashley R. Ashley was an architecture student and had to submit 2 sketches every week. With her heavy work load, she asked me to do a sketch once. The next thing I knew, I was doing her sketches every week. This prompted me to buy a sketch book for myself and I started putting my genes to work. This time again, I went to the local store to pick up a recent edition of – The Filmfare.
This was 8 years ago.
Few months back, while walking through the stationery aisle to pick up a writing tablet for my four year old son, I saw a “sketch book”. Without further thought, I bought it; and kept it. Couple of weeks back, I opened the book and picked up a pencil. No, this time I didn’t have a Filmfare, I don’t think you get Filmfare at local stores in the United States. This time, I picked up a picture on my desk of my little one. Many years have passed, but with each stroke, I remembered my father’s words and tried to do justice to the picture and my genes. This is my rendition of my adorable Manikutty who spreads his smile to everyone around.
PS. Proportions around the eyes are still not perfect!

Mommy!!

Motherhood – ‘the’ hood of all hoods. This year is my fifth mother’s day, if you count by the single day in the year, which the world proclaims as ‘Mother’s Day’. But, if you go by all the days that I have been a mother, that number would run in the thousands, multiplied by the number of children. Each day in the life of a mother is different; children in the early years rarely do the same thing twice. My little one yesterday liked Dora, but today he likes Blues Clues a.k.a. coo-coos in his language. The everyday challenges are different and it is a long tunnel with no light on the other side. Nevertheless, the delight of holing up in this tunnel with this little being that you brought into the world is motherhood.
Although, all mothers hope for the next stage of their child’s life to be easy, they reminisce the years gone by, right from the days when his tiny feet were kicking hard to get out of her womb. The anxiety then is ‘when will he come out?’ Once out and you find him sleeping for 16 hrs, you think, ‘wish he would start moving around’. With great difficulty this tiny human being, rolls over, moves through the confined space of a room, on his belly, lifts himself up and manages to balance his weight on his hands and knees. Soon, he starts crawling, and wants to get his hands on everything within his reach, bumping into the furniture and all your objects that you adorned your house. Just when he learns to manipulate the gadget buttons, you wish ‘only if he could talk’. The next thing you know, your wish is granted… he starts with the gaa-gaa’s and the goo-goo’s, until one day he surprises you with “MOMMY”.
If you are thinking, now I am done, you are mistaken, everything prior to this was prep-work, and the game is just about to begin. Fasten your seatbelt, now it is a roller coaster on which the button to turn off the ride is broken. Potty training, doctor visits, shots on time, daycare, food habits, sleep habits, school, alphabets, numbers, friends, gum, TV, fighting, ice-cream, candy, chocolates, sibling, cranky… the list is endless. There are a thousand questions you ask yourself each day – did he eat, is he sleeping well, did he eat his vegetables, did he drink milk, who are his friends, is he fighting with someone, is he watching too much TV, which is his favorite cartoon, is he running a temperature, what’s in his book bag….
Apart from all these external paraphernalia, what makes me feel special is his seamless confidence in me and how much I matter to him. The gleam in his eyes, when he sits beside me for a Mommy’s tea party at school. His hugs and announcements of “My mommy,” to make his brother jealous. All his expressions, that reflects upon this special relationship folds up under this hood.
At the end of the day, when you put him to bed, he gives you a kiss and says ‘I love you Mommy’, makes it all worthwhile
Happy Mother’s Day!

Din..

I turned down the volume of my headset; the noise is disturbing my thoughts. Few people are discussing about a database performance, not to my interest. But the rules of the job are that, I am supposed to listen, understand, and ask questions. But my mind today is drifting away to farther lands. It does not want to do the routine tasks of getting the kids to school, driving 20 miles to work, going through emails that run over a hundred a day. Somehow, the movie websites I visit are failing to capture my curiosity. The news websites are full of election news and polling and how movie stars came out to vote. No, this is not where my mind is today or wants to be.
Do I know where I want to be today? Well, actually no! Are you thinking ‘Women’? Why it is that woman are so confused? I sit because they have too many choices or too many responsibilities? I would pick the latter. We make so many decisions a day, small decisions and the not so small decisions. So there is a lot of room for confusion. After long thinking, my confused mind tells me to take the day off. Drive down the roads of downtown, way past Fall Creek Parkway and to the public library. The rains outside, will lighten my spirit of boredom and refresh the energy in me, like the ground. Old tunes from Bollywood movies choreographed in the rains, will add a touch of romance. Alighting from my car with an air of romance, I would pick up a book of my favorite author and find a place near the window, so that I can watch the rain lash by. Reading the lines would take me back to my footprints that I left in the sand. I would sit back for a few moments, watch the rain and drift back to yester years and smiles. The innocence of youth, brashness of thoughts and freedom to touch the sky. Times, when I would follow my heart and not bother about another soul in this world. Carefree! These thoughts would make me happy one moment and sad the next, almost pushing me to get back to my book listening to the splash of the rain.
Alas! I look at the screen staring at me, and the numbers on bottom right corner have a cruel look. They force me to come back to reality and tell me that I have another two hours to complete the monotonous tasks for the day, before I rush back to all the roles I play, apart from being me.
My fingers are now dialing the next call I need to be on. Again there are noises disturbing my thoughts….

The place I call Home ~

Home – Merriam Webster says, Home is one’s place of residence, or a social unit formed by a family living together. It could be a place of origin, but what I like most is “a familiar or usual setting”. Home is a place, where I can identify myself, every object reflects upon me, what I am. The linens, furniture, the food and lights. Some thinkers say by being materialistic, we are possessed by our possessions. For now, let us think we possess our possessions. Each piece of object tells me its own story about how we met and how we blended into each other’s lives over the span of years. Recently, when I bought my new sofa, the old one looked at me with a sad face, ‘are you giving me away?’ My cookware tells me the tale of the discount shop I hunted down looking up Google maps, to save a few bills. My clothes speak volumes of the affection people have for me, when they presented them to me. The tailor who, carefully mended them. The closet in my son’s room, takes me 4 years back into my life, when he was kicking inside me and I was putting away the little mittens I bought for him. Like I said earlier, each object tells me a story and weaves a memory. All these objects kept in a particular fashion, that invites me every evening to this man-made structure of brick and walls, is home.

The second aspect is the people. My son, his smile, his authority over everything in the house and the warmth he has for me. Then my baby, his way of welcoming me home every evening when I get back from a long day at work. All the attempts to draw a circle with bright crayons on the walls. His small feet which cover the house from one end to the other, one step at a time. Every waking moment that we spend together. Their food spills, books, cartoons, clothes, tantrums and much much more. Ever joke that is shared, every meal that is cooked together; the movies watched together; the friends who visit often and integrate into the house as if they were family.
A place that brilliantly accommodates each day of life is home.

Last aspect is ‘freedom’. There is a connecting factor between ‘home’ and ‘freedom’. The freedom to do the things you like, the freedom to say the things you want, the freedom to live without fear. If you cannot do the things you want in your house, then it’s probably not your house and you are a mere visitor. Scream, yell, talk, sing, cry, laugh, laugh out loud are all different ways to emote. If you can emote without fear, you are at home. A place where you can be what you are, is home…