The flame flickers
Again
Just a little more
I see the faint light
Trying hard to rise
A mere breath
Of a sigh
Of repulsion
Of anger
Of hatred
So subtle
Yet strong enough
Darkness all around
Again…
Tag: atittudesofpeople
I am a…
Growing up I was told we were Hindus. My father born in a Brahmin (priestly) family staked claim of how superior we were. My mother kept it neutral, her father was a Namboothiri (priestly) and mother a Nair (not priestly). None of this deterred them from sending me to Bishop Cottons a Christian School. Here I recited the “Our Father in heaven”, every working day for ten years of my life. Teachers read from the Bible, we learnt the hymns and it was all Christian. Irrespective of the faith your family followed, every student followed the same Christian rules.
My family’s Hindu-ness was limited to the corner of the kitchen adorned with photos of Hindu Gods, a lamp was lit everyday and the yearly trip to Guruvayoor (a Hindu temple). There was absolutely no other show of religion in any manner. So I grew up amidst the Hindu believers at home and Christian believers at school which I think just neutralized the whole concept of religion in my mind. Was I divided? I don’t think so, it didn’t matter much. I prayed before an exam, before I got my marks, or to win a competition. That summed up religion for me.
Muslims were a different category altogether. My father has been blessed (pun intended) with the skills to identify a Hindu from a Christian from a Muslim and immediately tag them with certain behavior. I am glad that my mother kept me grounded and taught me to respect the person first before their religion. So wading between these beliefs and catching up on Ramayana, Mahabharatha, Bible on the television shows aired on Doordarshan, I grew up.
Fast forward a few years and I ended up marrying a Christian. Nothing was new to me because I had said the Lord’s prayer for ten years of my life. I was baptized in order to get married in a church. At that point love was blind and bigger than religion so I said, why not? So I crossed the bridge and tried to adapt to new ways and all of those religious accessories that come with the conversion. A few years along I wake up from the dream, the love is there but not blind like the dating days and I tell my husband that I am going to cross the bridge back. To my good luck his belief in religion was also on an as needed basis. So he let me choose what I wished to follow all along. Although some of the extended family had strong beliefs, we sailed past those with some manouvering.
Now I am the mother of two teenage boys and the last thing I want to teach them is religion. They know in theory what these religions and their beliefs are, but then, what’s the point? This world is heading to a place where religion has taken precedence over humanity, so I ask myself, shouldn’t I be teaching them humanity? Based on how independently teenagers think, I don’t think ten years down the line, religion will be upheld the way it is today. Everywhere you hear news about sexual abuse in the churches, which I see the”informed” generation rejecting. There is a ton of gold and money donated to Hindu temples and I wonder why? Shouldn’t that be used instead to feed hungry children, give them an education? Why does this world need any more temples or churches or mosques or other centers of worship when one cannot uplift and uphold the human within?
I am not against religion, but dead against the belief of religion that divides people. By the law of nature there are only two categories of humans, the XX chromosome and XY chromosome combination. Every other divide whether it’s based on religion, color, race are created by some person. I am tending towards believing that the only religion that should exist is humanity. Abolish every other religion, practice and belief. Every XX respects XY and vice versa, that’s all that needs to exist to make this a better place. I know this is wishful thinking and the world and it’s people are so segregated that all they can think of is either themselves or their small community.
Is it too late to look at the larger picture?
Close the door…
At the end of the year
The doors are closing in
There is that little gap
Which will close soon
I need to
Pick my arms and legs
Lift my head
Look forward
And run
Before it closes
Yes
The finger refuses to move
What is this weight
Gluing me to the ground
I want to get up
I want to run
It’s in the mind
It’s all in the mind
Maybe there is no door
Maybe nothing is closing in
It’s probably my mind
Playing games
Stop
Stop now
Set me free
From your vicious circle of thoughts
Set me free from these bonds
From words
Let there be silence
Just silence
Quiet now
There are no arms embracing me
There never will be
Let me close the door
Maybe then
Just for a little while there will be
Solitude…!
Judgemental
This word is very beautifully explained in the movie English Vinglish in the climax scene. The protagonist of the movie has overcome her inner conflict and is telling a newly wed couple of how a family should not be judgemental. I clapped at the end of the scene.
When I look back at the almost-a-lifetime relationships I have, I see that the strength of these relationships lies in the fact that the other person or me are not judgemental about each other. We may not agree about everything, but we do not pass a judgement on their character. That is precisely why the relationship has lasted so many years.
When a person passes a judgemental remark you want to steer clear of them, that’s basic human instinct, I think. They may want to help you become a better person, because they definitely see what you cannot see. But there is a sensitive way to put it across. At the end of the day what you want to preserve is the relationship and not correct that one trait.
If you are a person who doesn’t care about such remarks, good for you. Cheers! There are those sensitive, emotional, humbugs like me, where attacks on character are like that bell inside your head which refuses to shut off. At every instance of the action, the bell goes off and one part of your mind is telling you, just do it. It’s a crazy conflict to have, in time this too shall pass. Probably there are people out there whose self-confidence could be shaken.
Ever wondered why these relationships are so complicated to make and maintain? You cannot live without them and sometimes with them 😉…
To lifetime relationships, don’t judge, there is too much at stake.
Narcissist
I first heard this word when a friend from college used this word as his ORKUT profile name. I wondered what it meant. I didn’t bother to Google or look up the meaning. In my writing class yesterday, a participant was talking about her book and a character who is a narcissist. For sometime now I have known the meaning, but this word has been gnawing on my mind, and I had to write about it.
It is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self importance, chronic, can be treated but cannot be cured.
There are many other adjectives to describe such people, manipulative, cocky, selfish, patronizing, demanding and so on. Narcissists can cause feelings of lack of self importance in you, leading to depression. It is important to understand narcissistic behavior, something we rarely recognize, camouflaged as normal human behaviour. This is more so for the individuals interfacing with narcissistic behavior than the narcissist himself or herself.
As I read more about Narcisstic Personality Disorder NPD I am intrigued by this category of people. Their rage for one arises from denial, so they don’t feel guilty instead make others around them feel guilty for no fault of theirs. When their self esteem is hurt they go into a fit of rage.
Narcisstic people generally have failed relationships. Such failed relationships confirm that their way of living is the right thing to do. Some sort of a chicken and egg situation. It is very difficult for such people to give and take in any relationship because everything is about taking.
Their sense of being unique and sense of entitlement stems from either genetic disorders or some form of childhood abuse or neglect, is what I read. I think it’s probably more of neglect or a sort of less worthy feeling shoved on them that their defenses propel them into narcissistic behavior? As they grow, the ego grow into a beast which they cannot control, ultimately killing their desire to control it.
Another thing I read is Gaslighting – masterful manipulation to gain control over you. A dangerous form of emotional abuse where the victim is forced to rethink his or her judgements thereby becoming completely dependent on the narcissist.
Expecting to be appreciated by a narcissist is something you should not wait for, especially if you are a victim. There is never enough of appreciating a narcissist and they cannot see beyond themselves. It is extremely difficult for them to appreciate another human being or act. When they do, they may appear normal, but that’s a facade, within no time they will bounce back into their shell.
A large population thinks that abuse counts only when it’s physical. Emotional abuse is more lethal, like slow poison. As a society we are light years away from recognizing emotional abuse and finding a solution. There are laws for physical abuse, I don’t think there are any for emotional abuse.
I believe the first step is to identify narcissistic behavior and put yourself above the behavior however difficult it may be. You have to hold up your sense of self importance and self respect. What you actually do about the person – distance yourself or deal with it as sanely as possible depends on the relationship you have with the person. Being aware is essential.
Nude models
I saw this feature on TimesNow about nude models. These are women who earn their living by posing nude for artists. Artists and students of art paint these women in nude to learn anatomy, muscle structure etc. The women who featured in the video talk about how they felt awkward initially but soon understood that nudity is in the eyes of the beholder. One woman says the body is going to be burnt or buried anyways so what difference does it make. Another woman has kept this from get children while she uses the money she earns from this to feed her children.
I was initially shocked when I saw the feature. This was my first reaction. As I progressed through the video I was amazed at the outlook of these women. They may not be educated in schools and colleges but they have wisdom. At the end of the day it’s the food you put on your family’s plate, the shelter you provide that matters.
I did have a question though. Would these artists have the women in their house pose nude for learning art? Probably not. I read a few comments beneath the feature and didn’t see this perspective. You can call me a feminist but why not the women in your house. I have no disrespect to these women. I respect every person who works without cheating another, to earn a livelihood. I even respect that strata of women who earn money for sex. I despise the P word used to categorize these women. Every person is where they are because that’s where they are meant to be. If they are meant to be elsewhere those paths will open for them.
Watching this video was an eye opener for me. I never know that people lived this way. These women have husbands who support them. Broad mindedness for sure doesn’t come with school education.
Respect to these women and partially to the men. Partially so because they can see art as art but at the same time have to seek art outside their homes.
indupatikkal 