Disabled…

If you want to group them into years

Then it’s been three years

But the loss felt each day

Is the same

Has it diminished?

Atleast by a bit?

I would know

Only when

I can believe that she’s left

On her own independent journey

To fly across the skies

To climb the the highest mountains

To run with able legs

While I go on

Emotionally

Disabled.

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Whose fault is it?

Twenty second school shooting in twenty weeks of two thousand eighteen… Casualties, injured, children, teachers, law enforcement officers… I have children in high school and middle school and I am terrified like many other parents. It’s like living under a threat all the time and I feel helpless. I pray that no parent has to get that call with news of potential danger to their child. As parents we hold dreams and hopes for our children; for the baby we brought into this world. The thought of their future takes a permanent place in our minds, the day they are born. And today I feel so bad for the parents who had to forgo of their dreams and hopes. My heart cried when I heard a mother telling her daughter “run, baby and I will come get you”… What a devastating moment..!

Whose fault is it?

Is it the child? The teenager who reaches that darkest corner of his or her mind that the only way he sees out is to kill another. He goes to the extent of ruining his own life while taking the life of others. An extreme form of depression? Is the child born with depression? I don’t believe so. His circumstances lead him to take extreme steps.

So, is it the parents? When their child does this henious crime, do the parents wake up from their personal issues? Do the parents have issues or are they people like you and me? I am forced to think that the parents neglect about their child’s activities or child’s life in general isolates the young mind. I am surprised that how can a parent not know what’s happening in their child’s life. They don’t have to pry into each and everything, but don’t you always maintain that virtual umbilical cord even after it’s cut?

So is it the peril of abundance of resources? Are we paying the price of technology with innocent lives? Today we can search anything on the internet. The internet flows more easily than water. Anyone can find anything in that dark jungle. With nobody to restrict you or even tell you right from wrong, are you misled ?

So what is the school teaching you? In India we have classrooms or homerooms even in high school. There is a class teacher or homeroom teacher when you are in your teens. The teacher knows you and keeps that door open for you. You have the same set of friends. What I see different here is each child has his or her own schedule. After grade 6, you are on your own. You are given so much Independence and the importance laid on your Independence kills the, “I will watch over you” syndrome that we carried while in school. There were fifty girls in my class and I knew all of them by name. We knew each other’s parents. There was a bond. Here kids see each other maybe at clubs or in common classes. Aren’t they to young at 13 to be given this enhanced level of Independence?

So then is it the laws of gun control? Maybe it is. How is the seller going to know if the buyer is responsible enough with guns? In the first place, if you are not a law protection officer why do you need a gun? I have never understood this.

So is it everything? It is. It is the parents, the education system, the laws, the technology that empowers, enables and pushes the teenager to that dark corner where nobody should go. I believe nobody wake up one day, picks up a gun and shoots people, especially not teenagers. There is an underlying reason that has had a snowball effect over the years.

Parents, please involve yourself in your children’s life. You don’t have to poke your nose into everything, but be aware of their thoughts. Talk to them, understand them, teach them the good virtues. If you have guns, lock them up, store them safely. It could destroy your family and many others like yours.

The best thing we can give our children is our time…!

With prayers…

Loss

Its been over a year since she left. Since she started living with me in spirit. Yet when I look at her picture on my desk for a length of even 10 seconds, my mind plunges into abysmal emptiness. I feel myself falling into depths I have never known before. I have to snap back almost immediately. If not, then her last physical form flashes before me. I feel the coldness of her face when I saw her being rolled out.

I hate it. I hate everything about her leaving.

Remember you played games as teenagers asking, if God granted you one wish, what would that be?

I have my answer.

I would like to feel her warmth again.

My mother. My strength. The one who made me, me.

I love you Ma..

Interpreting dreams..

This writing is not for the faint hearted, please choose your discretion to read on.. 

I fell into the deepest sleep last night. Yet, I was awake in my dream. In my dream, I met a friend’s brother, C. I hadn’t seen him in ages. As we were exchanging pleasantries, C’s sister in law V walked in. I knew these people from my childhood days and was very fond of them. V was telling me about her martial woes and that she was separated from her husband P. C supported V and they had a farm many miles away from Bangalore,  where they did some farming, raised cattle and lived peacefully. 

After some chit chat, V said she would leave as she had to get back to their farm. As I was walking with her, I saw her drag her feet, just like my mother used to, due to her Parkinson’s. It was not V, it was my mother. I didn’t say a word, but jumped for joy as my mother had appeared before me. V wanted my number and in my excitement I forgot my phone number. She wrote down the numbers I babbled, and the handwriting was my mother’s. 

As we walked out, C was waiting for V. I hugged V and told her, “I know it’s you Ma”. V was shocked. 

I woke up.

I was shocked when I  realized that C had passed away in an accident many many years ago. 

After my mother’s passing and some reading on souls and life beyond, I firmly believe that once we pass on, we continue to hang around in invisible form. We get to meet everyone who has passed and not entered another physical form. 

So how do I interpret this dream. My mother is with C, in a happy place, being taken care of by a kind soul. C was a very kind hearted man. She came disguised so that I wouldn’t be scared. I had been longing to see her and hug her. So she came to give me a hug. 

I woke up, to hear my husband breathing beside me. I too was startled, nevertheless. But the sound of my husband’s breath was the best thing I heard this morning. It was like a reassurance that I was ok and safe.

I know it’s strange and no, I am not crazy!! Many people may not understand this, because it’s so personal. I realize I am still grieving for her, but I don’t think I will ever stop. 

All this only makes my belief stronger to hang on to life and every happiness it brings. Life is the best gift that we can get..

The inner you…

The whole…

Nobody knows you completely. Not one person.. nah!.. Not even yourself. Because you are not who you think you are. Its just a part of you. Who you are is what you are to the people you know and the lives you touch. What you are to the other person is you.. rather a part of you. The emotions, the connect, the conversations is that part of you. And all these parts put together is the real you.
So I don’t have anybody in full. I have only one part of everyone. What they are to me, they are not to another person. The equations are different. What is constant is only the equal to sign.
So technically, nobody is mine. A part of them is mine. And unfortunately, its not until death tears us apart, that we see all the parts or atleast most of it. When all the parts come together to bid one final goodbye to the person that was.. and this realization dawns on you, that yes, she gave birth to you, your whole is a part of hers, yet, you are only a part of her whole..