Tag: fears

Happiness

On By Indu PatikkalIn Random thoughtsLeave a comment

I am a subscriber of positivity pages on social media. Most of them tell me to find happiness within. Honestly, this concept never made sense to me. How can I find happiness within me when everyone around me was pouring sadness over me, making me sad in the process? Everyone has problems and thats what they want to talk about first. As a listener you can be easily swayed into that direction. So what is finding happiness? And how do you do it?

I just exited my forty first year of life. Maybe half-way or more than half-way through and finally I learnt what this means. It is not happiness that one should seek, but stability or equilibrium with yourself and your thoughts. Happiness simply follows. The first step is to know yourself and draw a boundary around yourself. You will not sway outside this boundary, give yourself enough room to feel your emotions, but don’t let anyone else’s emotion cross the boundary and mingle with yours. It took me a long time to know myself. I am still not there, but I know I am on my way. This path of self-identification is helping me understand who I really am.

When you don’t know yourself, you build these walls of sand around you thinking they are your boundary, but the slightest wind will crumble them. You can never be happy within these fake walls. Its days and days of pretense which you want to believe is the real thing. You cannot wake up one day and say, yes, I have no more fake walls. It takes time effort and people around you to help you get there.

Finally when you find happiness within, nobody can touch it and change its baseline. It is a state of enlightenment, maybe the first step to enlightenment. It’s been a year since I wrote the first part of this blog. At 42 I feel I have come closer to myself and found happiness sitting there warm and cozy. It’s not an easy find, it’s not an easy journey to yourself. Once found, your thoughts are elevated. Do I really need to say something here? Maybe not. Does this really impact me? Maybe not. Does anyone need my opinion? Probably not. Before saying anything you put your happiness first subconsciously and determine the course of action that doesn’t meddle with your inner equilibrium.

You finally know what you want actually let me take that back, you finally know what you don’t want. You can clearly delineate between the negative energies in your life and can manage them. You finally see that door you’ve been looking for and it’s within reach. You can run. You can be free. You can be happy.

Again

On By Indu PatikkalIn Illusions of a dream, Random thoughtsLeave a comment

The flame flickers

Again

Just a little more

I see the faint light

Trying hard to rise

A mere breath

Of a sigh

Of repulsion

Of anger

Of hatred

So subtle

Yet strong enough

Darkness all around

Again…

The best lesson…

On By Indu PatikkalIn Blessing, celebrate, Childhood memories, death, growing up, life, life lessons, mother, parenting, Random thoughts, realizations, WomanLeave a comment

My mom has taught me a lot of things… like every other mother does. Some she was vocal about and some by example.

1. When her mother was not well, she was there to care for her no matter what. Her selfless love towards her mother was a perfect example of how children should care for their parents in their old age. In this she taught me to be there for your parents.

2. She fought with the institution to ensure my brother got admission to Bishop Cottons. She urged the principal to reduce the admission fee, borrowed money to pay it and ensured my brother was enrolled to the school. He was 6, I was 11. She vocally taught me that it was important to be fair to your children and give them equal opportunities. What they make of it is beyond her control but as a parent it was her responsibility to be fair.

3. Every night we ate together, my father, her, brother, uncle and I. At that time it was just the norm for me. She cooked, I helped, we sat down on the floor, spoke about school or current affairs or anything and ate the meal. Now when I have a family I realize the importance of that simple act. At the end of the day the family comes together and shares their day or thoughts or whatever, but essentially what builds there is a bridge of communication. Everyone talks to everyone in the family.

4. She taught me the value of money. She told me the income and expenses and how to make ends meet. I was 12. I saw her struggle quietly at various things we never had. Money is essential, but not everything. She always said, a path will carve itself out, some door will open and a door always opened.

5. The relationships you make whether blood or not are to be kept. Blood does not make anything thicker. Having people around, you can turn to was the important thing. She respected every person who she came across, whether young or old. It was of utmost importance to treat everyone with respect.

But of all that she taught me the one I value the most is what she taught me silently when she passed, that I have no control over anything except myself. That lesson walked into my life when I most needed it. I cried after she went about the what-if possibilities, when my dad told me, that it was her time to go, and there is no point in any what-ifs.

The only thing I can control is my part of the relationship with another person, my reaction to a situation or to what another person says to me, my thoughts about a situation, my words that I choose to utter, my emotions. Everything else is not mine to claim or change. This simple but powerful truth has changed my life. And she is my teacher.

I love you Ma, Happy Mother’s Day!!

I am a…

On By Indu PatikkalIn Childhood memories, Children, growing up, life, life lessons, marriage, opinion, Random thoughts, realizations, religion, school2 Comments

Growing up I was told we were Hindus. My father born in a Brahmin (priestly) family staked claim of how superior we were. My mother kept it neutral, her father was a Namboothiri (priestly) and mother a Nair (not priestly). None of this deterred them from sending me to Bishop Cottons a Christian School. Here I recited the “Our Father in heaven”, every working day for ten years of my life. Teachers read from the Bible, we learnt the hymns and it was all Christian. Irrespective of the faith your family followed, every student followed the same Christian rules.

My family’s Hindu-ness was limited to the corner of the kitchen adorned with photos of Hindu Gods, a lamp was lit everyday and the yearly trip to Guruvayoor (a Hindu temple). There was absolutely no other show of religion in any manner. So I grew up amidst the Hindu believers at home and Christian believers at school which I think just neutralized the whole concept of religion in my mind. Was I divided? I don’t think so, it didn’t matter much. I prayed before an exam, before I got my marks, or to win a competition. That summed up religion for me.

Muslims were a different category altogether. My father has been blessed (pun intended) with the skills to identify a Hindu from a Christian from a Muslim and immediately tag them with certain behavior. I am glad that my mother kept me grounded and taught me to respect the person first before their religion. So wading between these beliefs and catching up on Ramayana, Mahabharatha, Bible on the television shows aired on Doordarshan, I grew up.

Fast forward a few years and I ended up marrying a Christian. Nothing was new to me because I had said the Lord’s prayer for ten years of my life. I was baptized in order to get married in a church. At that point love was blind and bigger than religion so I said, why not? So I crossed the bridge and tried to adapt to new ways and all of those religious accessories that come with the conversion. A few years along I wake up from the dream, the love is there but not blind like the dating days and I tell my husband that I am going to cross the bridge back. To my good luck his belief in religion was also on an as needed basis. So he let me choose what I wished to follow all along. Although some of the extended family had strong beliefs, we sailed past those with some manouvering.

Now I am the mother of two teenage boys and the last thing I want to teach them is religion. They know in theory what these religions and their beliefs are, but then, what’s the point? This world is heading to a place where religion has taken precedence over humanity, so I ask myself, shouldn’t I be teaching them humanity? Based on how independently teenagers think, I don’t think ten years down the line, religion will be upheld the way it is today. Everywhere you hear news about sexual abuse in the churches, which I see the”informed” generation rejecting. There is a ton of gold and money donated to Hindu temples and I wonder why? Shouldn’t that be used instead to feed hungry children, give them an education? Why does this world need any more temples or churches or mosques or other centers of worship when one cannot uplift and uphold the human within?

I am not against religion, but dead against the belief of religion that divides people. By the law of nature there are only two categories of humans, the XX chromosome and XY chromosome combination. Every other divide whether it’s based on religion, color, race are created by some person. I am tending towards believing that the only religion that should exist is humanity. Abolish every other religion, practice and belief. Every XX respects XY and vice versa, that’s all that needs to exist to make this a better place. I know this is wishful thinking and the world and it’s people are so segregated that all they can think of is either themselves or their small community.

Is it too late to look at the larger picture?

Narcissist

On By Indu PatikkalIn opinion, Random thoughtsLeave a comment

I first heard this word when a friend from college used this word as his ORKUT profile name. I wondered what it meant. I didn’t bother to Google or look up the meaning. In my writing class yesterday, a participant was talking about her book and a character who is a narcissist. For sometime now I have known the meaning, but this word has been gnawing on my mind, and I had to write about it.

It is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self importance, chronic, can be treated but cannot be cured.

There are many other adjectives to describe such people, manipulative, cocky, selfish, patronizing, demanding and so on. Narcissists can cause feelings of lack of self importance in you, leading to depression. It is important to understand narcissistic behavior, something we rarely recognize, camouflaged as normal human behaviour. This is more so for the individuals interfacing with narcissistic behavior than the narcissist himself or herself.

As I read more about Narcisstic Personality Disorder NPD I am intrigued by this category of people. Their rage for one arises from denial, so they don’t feel guilty instead make others around them feel guilty for no fault of theirs. When their self esteem is hurt they go into a fit of rage.

Narcisstic people generally have failed relationships. Such failed relationships confirm that their way of living is the right thing to do. Some sort of a chicken and egg situation. It is very difficult for such people to give and take in any relationship because everything is about taking.

Their sense of being unique and sense of entitlement stems from either genetic disorders or some form of childhood abuse or neglect, is what I read. I think it’s probably more of neglect or a sort of less worthy feeling shoved on them that their defenses propel them into narcissistic behavior? As they grow, the ego grow into a beast which they cannot control, ultimately killing their desire to control it.

Another thing I read is Gaslighting – masterful manipulation to gain control over you. A dangerous form of emotional abuse where the victim is forced to rethink his or her judgements thereby becoming completely dependent on the narcissist.

Expecting to be appreciated by a narcissist is something you should not wait for, especially if you are a victim. There is never enough of appreciating a narcissist and they cannot see beyond themselves. It is extremely difficult for them to appreciate another human being or act. When they do, they may appear normal, but that’s a facade, within no time they will bounce back into their shell.

A large population thinks that abuse counts only when it’s physical. Emotional abuse is more lethal, like slow poison. As a society we are light years away from recognizing emotional abuse and finding a solution. There are laws for physical abuse, I don’t think there are any for emotional abuse.

I believe the first step is to identify narcissistic behavior and put yourself above the behavior however difficult it may be. You have to hold up your sense of self importance and self respect. What you actually do about the person – distance yourself or deal with it as sanely as possible depends on the relationship you have with the person. Being aware is essential.

Whose fault is it?

On By Indu PatikkalIn Children, current affairs, death, growing up, life, opinion, parenting, Random thoughts, school shootingsLeave a comment

Twenty second school shooting in twenty weeks of two thousand eighteen… Casualties, injured, children, teachers, law enforcement officers… I have children in high school and middle school and I am terrified like many other parents. It’s like living under a threat all the time and I feel helpless. I pray that no parent has to get that call with news of potential danger to their child. As parents we hold dreams and hopes for our children; for the baby we brought into this world. The thought of their future takes a permanent place in our minds, the day they are born. And today I feel so bad for the parents who had to forgo of their dreams and hopes. My heart cried when I heard a mother telling her daughter “run, baby and I will come get you”… What a devastating moment..!

Whose fault is it?

Is it the child? The teenager who reaches that darkest corner of his or her mind that the only way he sees out is to kill another. He goes to the extent of ruining his own life while taking the life of others. An extreme form of depression? Is the child born with depression? I don’t believe so. His circumstances lead him to take extreme steps.

So, is it the parents? When their child does this henious crime, do the parents wake up from their personal issues? Do the parents have issues or are they people like you and me? I am forced to think that the parents neglect about their child’s activities or child’s life in general isolates the young mind. I am surprised that how can a parent not know what’s happening in their child’s life. They don’t have to pry into each and everything, but don’t you always maintain that virtual umbilical cord even after it’s cut?

So is it the peril of abundance of resources? Are we paying the price of technology with innocent lives? Today we can search anything on the internet. The internet flows more easily than water. Anyone can find anything in that dark jungle. With nobody to restrict you or even tell you right from wrong, are you misled ?

So what is the school teaching you? In India we have classrooms or homerooms even in high school. There is a class teacher or homeroom teacher when you are in your teens. The teacher knows you and keeps that door open for you. You have the same set of friends. What I see different here is each child has his or her own schedule. After grade 6, you are on your own. You are given so much Independence and the importance laid on your Independence kills the, “I will watch over you” syndrome that we carried while in school. There were fifty girls in my class and I knew all of them by name. We knew each other’s parents. There was a bond. Here kids see each other maybe at clubs or in common classes. Aren’t they to young at 13 to be given this enhanced level of Independence?

So then is it the laws of gun control? Maybe it is. How is the seller going to know if the buyer is responsible enough with guns? In the first place, if you are not a law protection officer why do you need a gun? I have never understood this.

So is it everything? It is. It is the parents, the education system, the laws, the technology that empowers, enables and pushes the teenager to that dark corner where nobody should go. I believe nobody wake up one day, picks up a gun and shoots people, especially not teenagers. There is an underlying reason that has had a snowball effect over the years.

Parents, please involve yourself in your children’s life. You don’t have to poke your nose into everything, but be aware of their thoughts. Talk to them, understand them, teach them the good virtues. If you have guns, lock them up, store them safely. It could destroy your family and many others like yours.

The best thing we can give our children is our time…!

With prayers…