Category: life

Twelve years..

On By Indu PatikkalIn birthday, celebrate, Children, growing up, Happiness, life, parenting, Random thoughtsLeave a comment

I was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant. It was something I was looking forward to. I was 26. I know it’s a lot young, but back then I wanted to get married and have kids, family, house, a secure life. Other interests of exploring my life are knocking on my door now. 

So, I got pregnant and absolutely fell in love with my growing belly and the person inside. My husband pampered me and I pampered myself! When I was seven months pregnant, my husband and I got an onsite opportunity. Honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking back then when I said yes. I didn’t realize it much when I took that Singapore Airlines flight from Trivandrum to Los Angeles. It’s only after I landed that it hit me, I definitely didn’t imagine that America would be that far and it would take that long to get there. Oh my! 

I walk into West Hills Hospital on September 26th at 5am and voila my little one pops out on September 27th. The labor classes, baby care classes that I took was my Bible in taking care of the little one. 

His goo goos and gaa gaas filled my days. He nestled on the shoulder in the night to a lullaby that I have sang umpteen times. We sang rhymes, danced and before I knew it, we were celebrating his first birthday. His first birthday cake was from coldstone with a Winnie the pooh theme. It had Tigers, Winnie and Piglet. We invited everyone we knew and made it a grand event. He was sort of the first kid in our circle. 

Then it was time to go to daycare, something I had been putting off by bringing my mother from India to help me. A few years into daycare and we got him his best present ever, his brother, Kevin. 

Kevin is his baby. He pampers him to no end and I love the bond they have between them. At times I feel Kevin matters more than me. And I love that thought. They have their share of fights, tantrums, touchy issues, nevertheless, they are glued to each other. 

He started school at Indianapolis. As he was getting used to it, we pulled him out and took him to India. He did his best at Chempaka, but most importantly he learnt how to make friends. He had so many of them and probably that has been the best part of his life so far. Those three years spent at Trivandrum, strengthened the foundation of the people person he is, so much so that I was known as Nitin’s mother as opposed to my name. 

School starts, the daily rigor, Christmas break, exams and more exams, and before you know it, it’s over. One year of school is done. Yeah! But when it’s his birthday I realize that he has grown by one year. 

At age 10 we moved back to Bentonville. And before I knew it he was in junior high and it’s his 12th birthday. The little one who kicked inside my belly stands tall next to me, fighting his little age related issues. 

Twelve years, summed up here in a few paragraphs, but in reality it’s been a lifetime of memories, with more to come. I long for the years gone by where he was little with no worries about assignments, how his friend treat him, exercising, soccer goals etc. Where I just had to feed him, change his diapers and he would jump around happily, unaware of the world around him. 

I thought I was done with school when I got my bachelor’s degree. Now, I know that was cakewalk. This is more difficult, learning how to be a parent. And these twelve years I have been in college, again. There are many more years till I graduate from here, and I am full of doubts, but it’s been amazing. 

Thank you sweetheart for coming into our life and making it beautiful.. happy birthday !

Letting go…

On By Indu PatikkalIn life, opinion, Random thoughtsLeave a comment

The toughest emotion in my perspective, is, to let go. 

As a child we cling on to that toy, that stuffed doll or the macho figure that we carry everywhere. We hold on to it for years, not because we need it,but because we cannot give it away or throw it away. We refrain from sharing and hold it close to our heart and body. As we grow up, we emotionally grow to reach a state where we give up the toy. 

When we leave the familiar environment of school, it is difficult to say bye to our friends and teachers. Tomorrow I would not wake up and wear my uniform and go to school. My uniform would just hang there reminding me of the wonderful years I spent at school. 

The same episode repeats at college. Just that this time it’s a lot harder, because by now relationships are a little deeper than school. If you live in a hostel then it’s a family you leave. All this while you have lived away from your parents, but you know you will get back there. 

The hardest, or so we think while we are there, is letting go of the person you love. This is where you learn that the harder you hang on to him or her, the more the person will distance themselves from you. All those mushy break up Hallmark cards.. Oh God!

When we get married (Indian women) we move into our husband’s house (atleast most of us). We don’t let go of our parents, but we let go of the carefree girls we were till that moment. We turn into wife, daughter in law, sister in law and what not, overnight !

Then life happens! We move to different cities, leave our comfort zones many times. Each time we resolve that, enough, this is the last time. The very next thing you know, we are packing again. The friends, community, relationships. The whole physical toll of moving is best not spoken about. Again and again, we go through this rigorous emotional tumult. But there is nothing that we can do, just let go. 

Of course, the toughest is when a person passes. I have written enough about it, so I am not delving into that again. 

Just as we get complacent, a new hurdle appears from nowhere. It takes all your emotional strength to jump the hurdle. But you have no choice, you just have to jump ! The toughest of these hurdles is letting go of something dear to your heart, like that old stuffed toy.. 

Interpreting dreams..

On By Indu PatikkalIn death, Dreams, life, opinion, Random thoughts, realizationsLeave a comment

This writing is not for the faint hearted, please choose your discretion to read on.. 

I fell into the deepest sleep last night. Yet, I was awake in my dream. In my dream, I met a friend’s brother, C. I hadn’t seen him in ages. As we were exchanging pleasantries, C’s sister in law V walked in. I knew these people from my childhood days and was very fond of them. V was telling me about her martial woes and that she was separated from her husband P. C supported V and they had a farm many miles away from Bangalore,  where they did some farming, raised cattle and lived peacefully. 

After some chit chat, V said she would leave as she had to get back to their farm. As I was walking with her, I saw her drag her feet, just like my mother used to, due to her Parkinson’s. It was not V, it was my mother. I didn’t say a word, but jumped for joy as my mother had appeared before me. V wanted my number and in my excitement I forgot my phone number. She wrote down the numbers I babbled, and the handwriting was my mother’s. 

As we walked out, C was waiting for V. I hugged V and told her, “I know it’s you Ma”. V was shocked. 

I woke up.

I was shocked when I  realized that C had passed away in an accident many many years ago. 

After my mother’s passing and some reading on souls and life beyond, I firmly believe that once we pass on, we continue to hang around in invisible form. We get to meet everyone who has passed and not entered another physical form. 

So how do I interpret this dream. My mother is with C, in a happy place, being taken care of by a kind soul. C was a very kind hearted man. She came disguised so that I wouldn’t be scared. I had been longing to see her and hug her. So she came to give me a hug. 

I woke up, to hear my husband breathing beside me. I too was startled, nevertheless. But the sound of my husband’s breath was the best thing I heard this morning. It was like a reassurance that I was ok and safe.

I know it’s strange and no, I am not crazy!! Many people may not understand this, because it’s so personal. I realize I am still grieving for her, but I don’t think I will ever stop. 

All this only makes my belief stronger to hang on to life and every happiness it brings. Life is the best gift that we can get..

Onam..

On By Indu PatikkalIn Childhood memories, Happiness, life, Random thoughtsLeave a comment

Today is Thiruvonam.. my kitchen lingers with the smell of payasam.. it’s just 8am and I am already waiting for my kids to come back from school and relish their favorite paal payasam with boli.

As I sit at my dining table looking out through my kitchen window, my memories linger on the onam I have celebrated in the past. 

The very first onam I celebrated was when I was sixteen years old. My family lived in Bangalore and I am not quite sure why my mother never celebrated onam. Too late to ask her now, anyways. Our visits to kerala was during the school summer vacation and most of the time we made it for Vishu (April), but not Onam (August/September). So once I finished my 10th grade, I moved to college and this time I went to Kerala during Onam.

It was the first and best onam of my life. My cousins and I plucked flowers and put the pookalam. We made onathappan with clay. I had just bought a camera, we clicked pictures with everyone. My aunt spread out a Sadya for us and in the evening we went to our other aunts and uncles houses to relish the payasam made in their house.

It was such an innocent phase of life. Everything was simple, I just had to look good, eat well, talk a lot and have fun. 
The second or last onam I celebrated was in 2013 at Trivandrum. It had been my dream to cook and serve a Sadya for my parents. That dream came true. My parents were with me. My family put out an elaborate pookalam. We cooked the sadya and my children whole heartedly enjoyed the festivities. 

Sadly, it was my last onam with my mother. 

Then there is today. My first onam in my new house. It was around 11am, everyone dressed in traditional attire, new clothes I had bought from India. Curries for the sadya were at their last boiling race on the stove. Loud malayalam music related to onam from the Bose speakers. Friends who are like family hustling in the kitchen, grabbing ladles, arranging, cleaning up. Children running around unaware of the tension in the kitchen. A true extended family household on onam. My dream. Amidst the noise my heart paused a minute and just absorbed all the din around me to preserve and lock up in my box of memories. 

The best onam of my life !

Baar Baar Dekho

On By Indu PatikkalIn cinema, life, marriage, opinion, Random thoughtsLeave a comment

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Spoiler alert –

My kids and I watched Baar Baar Dekho today. After many hours we were discussing as to why the movie was titled ‘Baar Baar Dekho’ (see it many times). My older one said ‘Its because he gets to look at his life many times’. He was right, I thought.

The character Jai Varma gets many chances at life and is able to trace back to the exact point where the problems started. He can then relive his life and take the road less traveled. Lucky for him.

That was a movie and we all know that in real life we don’t get even a second chance. What is done is done, the past never comes knocking on your door, holding out a chance to relive your life.

The future, well, that’s why its called the future. Its distant and unknown.

As I put my kids to sleep today, we read a story from the Bible about how Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves of bread. We then sang songs from the movie in chorus. I remembered to tell my older one about how my younger one was missing him, while he was out this evening. We pulled the little one’s leg, which he didn’t like and hurled some punches my way. We spoke about how you either swallow or breathe and the esophagus. This topic got my little one dozing. I strode to my older one’s bed and stroked his hair till he fell asleep.

Wow.. so much in the present.. in the now. All this must have lasted about ten minutes, but those ten minutes are precious for my little ones and me. They go to sleep with togetherness on their mind. And I, hold on to these moments, to now; because, I definitely don’t want to feel in some distant future, that I didn’t have fun with my kids in the past.

So much so, for Baar Baar Dekho.