“Apprehension” – a big word

On By Indu PatikkalIn growing up, opinion, Random thoughts, realizationsLeave a comment

I fear a lot of things. I don’t know if others are like this, because I cannot get into anyone else’s mind. I am not scared, but I fear. Scared I feel is a word of present or past tense. Fear is associated with the future. So what am I fearful of? Oh many things. Like, my kids will fall sick, I might have an accident, I may never become a successful writer, the curry I am cooking will go bad, my kids will be late to school (this is my every school day fear), I may become very poor one day, and so on and on and on.. Constantly feels like I am sitting on the tip of the iceberg and the ice will melt anytime, plunging me down into a deep canyon. Oh! and my biggest ever fear, one I have carried all my life, is associated with my father.

I have thought about, why do I fear all this? What is to happen, will happen. I know this, I mean yes, I know this for a fact. I accept it, but the apprehension of what ill may come constantly lingers on my mind. Although when the ill thing happens, I am the bravest person around. I can handle situations which are a real pain in the wrong places, extremely smoothly. There are many people who know me and will vouch this for a fact. But the anticipation or the wait just kills me. Does that sound like a paradox? No, I am not crazy. Am I waiting for something bad to happen or am I cautious about it? I think its mid way.

Maybe the word is apprehension. I remember taking a personality quiz in the 7th grade at Bishop Cottons, organized by Times of India. At the end of the long set of never-ending questions, a complete stranger looked at my answers and told me I was apprehensive about the future. Honestly, I had no idea what the word apprehension meant. It looked like a good word to play the find-simpler-words-from-a-long-word game.

Now I know. Did that stranger have a magic wand, or was I extremely truthful on that personality quiz. Whatever it was, it was damn good a quiz!

So yes, I am apprehensive – anxious or fearful that something bad or unpleasant will happen. Are a lot of people like this? Sitting on the iceberg? I guess not, rather, I hope not. Its not a very nice place to be, with the tip poking at your bottom all the time, making you feel like you are walking on a stack of needles or shard glass all the time. In this phrase lies the truth “walking on shards of glass”. You can never cut yourself whilst walking on shards of glass!! Yes, I’ve done it (as part of a team building camp out from work), nothing happened. I reached the other end of the ground, tears running down my cheeks, exploding with happiness, that I had overcome my fear!

So much for apprehensions?

I have probably reached the mid point of my life, or maybe a little past mid point. There are moments (sometimes minutes) where I delve into life, its meaning, where we come from, where we are heading. In these lapses of self-digging, I realize that at this point in life, I am going through a churning, a reflection of sorts on yesterday, today and tomorrow. There is a crossover that is happening from youth to the next stage, where we start looking at things from a higher altitude. Not 360 degrees yet, maybe 180? Through this looking glass, the apprehensions become clearer, through this knowing, building defense mechanisms becomes easier, through these defense mechanisms, life becomes simpler!

Cheers to this wonderful, blessed yet convoluted creation called life!

Making peace..

On By Indu PatikkalIn Random thoughtsLeave a comment

Like the keys of the piano

They rise one after the other

One black

Next white

White is the hope

Black is the abysmal darkness

There are more black keys

Weighing down

The white ones struggle

To get that gentle press

As the music plays

I waltz in its Symphony

Knowing that soon

A black key will be pressed

And in that knowing

I find peace.

In the silences..

On By Indu PatikkalIn Random thoughtsLeave a comment

As he sat there in the stillness of the night, birds cooing somewhere up high, fireflies skimming through the air, lights of houses in the distance, the vast lake lying in tranquility, the noises of his present in the background, his past flashed before his eyes.

Her love that was so dear to him, yet he threw away in an instant. Naina, from whom and for whom his days started and ended. The center of his universe. The life that could have been, that he washed away. The laughter from the soul, the smiles from the heart, the inner joy of being oneself.

The perils of relationships that he was now brought into. The net he wanted to seep through. The bonds that existed yet, invisible. The non existent companionship he longed for. The wait for a new sunrise. The mechanical conundrum that awaited him each morning. The solitude of his silence that resonated around him. His inner voice that wanted to emerge, his soul waiting to dance like old times.

In that precise moment..

He realised..

He was made for greater things.. !!

Loss

On By Indu PatikkalIn death, Incomplete, life, Random thoughtsLeave a comment

Its been over a year since she left. Since she started living with me in spirit. Yet when I look at her picture on my desk for a length of even 10 seconds, my mind plunges into abysmal emptiness. I feel myself falling into depths I have never known before. I have to snap back almost immediately. If not, then her last physical form flashes before me. I feel the coldness of her face when I saw her being rolled out.

I hate it. I hate everything about her leaving.

Remember you played games as teenagers asking, if God granted you one wish, what would that be?

I have my answer.

I would like to feel her warmth again.

My mother. My strength. The one who made me, me.

I love you Ma..

Of Bread sandwich & Maggi noodles…

On By Indu PatikkalIn Friends, growing up, Happiness, life, Random thoughtsLeave a comment

So these were the engineering days. I lived in a hostel with a wonderful roommate and a bunch of cool girls next-door. It took me a few weeks to understand the know how’s  of a “hostelite”, but once I got the hang of it, there was no looking back, and they are the most memorable years of my life. 

“The akkas'” 

The hostel comprised of girls, matron and akkas’ (how you address elder sister in kannada). Many of them were probably younger than the girls, yet we called them akka. They probably came from families which needed them to come out and live in the hostel, cooking food, cleaning the mess, helping the matron in administering her histrionics etc. To earn some extra money, they washed our clothes, a certain amount for each piece of cloth. We heaped the bucket with dirty clothes, topped it with a sachet of Surf Excel, sold at an essentials store within the hostel and gave it to one of the akka’s. They washed the clothes, dried them and left them folded in the bucket, ready to be picked up and worn by us. 

It was a stark difference between the privileged us who were on our way to earning an engineering degree Vs a few girls, who earned their living by cooking, cleaning and washing. 

“Indu P, Indu P, Indu P . . visitor”

There was this elderly lady, whom we should have technically called aunty, but to keep it uniform called her akka. She was in charge of the microphone and the telephone! There was a room with a telephone to which we could receive calls. So, when any of us got a call, she switched on the PA system and went “Indu P, Indu P, Indu P . . phone”.. if there was a visitor the watchman called her and she made the announcement replacing “phone” with “visitor”. Post this announcement you could hear a loud “COMING” in response. If the akka didn’t hear this, she would hang up or return the visitor. A  thundering phat phat phat of hawaii chappal (a cheap sandal) on the cement floor followed, reverberating around the quadrangle. I know there were girls who secretly kept track of who got visitors, just for the fun of it, rolling their eyes to their closest friends.. 

“PCO Booth”

For outgoing calls there was a PCO booth within the hostel premises. The person who operated the booth was blind, but very capable. His equipment had Braille engraving that helped him operate the booth. After 9 pm STD rates were lower and there was this queue of girls outside the booth waiting their turn. This was the time when mobile phones didn’t exist. Calls to parents, calls to boyfriends, knocking on the door when one person took a loooooong time, kuchikooing, log entry of phone calls, advance booking were some of the daily noises around here. 

“Sunday paratha and ice cream”

Sunday was “I-wash-my-hair-today” day. After gobbling down the every Sunday morning aloo paratha which was a heap of boiled potatoes, barely covered in dough, dusted with a thick layer of flour, served with the same pickle every weekend, the girls took a loooooong bath, washing their loooooong hair. At lunch time they came swaying their long tresses for the Sunday special lunch. The ice-cream served post lunch was something we looked forward to. We could have bought better ice-cream outside the mess, but eating that ice-cream on the steps of the entrance to the hostel, chit chatting for hours, was a treat. A few hours into gossiping and we could see the boys starting to line up outside the hostel. This was a super time pass. The guy comes, gives the name to the watchman, the watchman gives the guy a dirty look, announcement over the PA system, the loud running footsteps, which slows down right around the corner where the steps end and the hostel entrance walkway is visible to the outside world, matron giving dirty looks to the girl, nevertheless, the dressed up girl walks out blushing, the “vela” (local word for jobless) girls on the steps give out a sly smile..

“Saans”

There was a rec-room with a 20 inch CRT TV that was our only source of television, those four years. Monday night 9pm, you didn’t have to look further, majority of the girls glued to their seats or inch of space available in the rec room watching a soap called Saans, which was about a married man, his wife and the other woman. If you whispered while the show was on, the seniors would give you nasty looks. 

The seats were reserved for and by the final year girls while the freshers edged on their friend to catch a glimpse of what was going on. 

“Night canteen”

The akkas’ ran a night canteen during internals and semester exams. They served biscuits, bread sandwich, egg sandwich, coffee etc from 11pm to 1am (I think) since the mess closed after dinner and this fueled the thinking minds before the exam! So after about an hour’s study after dinner, and another hour of chit chatting, the girls raided the night canteen. The yummiest and most expensive  (I guess it was Rs 5) was Maggi noodles. It was served in a small silver plate, filled to the rim. We usually shared this and it was a sure delicacy. So was the bread sandwich which was this enormous piece of bread buttered and toasted. Yumm!!

The best years, treasured memories, abundant happiness, carefree life.. 

“She”

On By Indu PatikkalIn father, growing up, opinion, parenting, Random thoughts, realizations, WomanLeave a comment

I am not a feminist. There is a clear distinction between being a feminist and respecting women. This post is more for men, from a woman’s perspective.

As boys, you see your mother and almost a 100% of the time, you take her for granted. She is just expected to wake up earlier than you, cook for you, ensure you have clothes to wear, check on your homework, take you for your classes, and everything else that is ‘yours’ under the sun. That is what she is ‘supposed’ to do, like as if she doesn’t have a life beyond you. Maybe her birthday or mother’s day is when you are forced to take a pause and look at her. Maybe on these days you notice the wrinkles on her hands, the dark lines under her eyes, her unkept hair, or simply how tired she looks. This is only if you care to look at her on Mother’s day or her birthday or any other day.

I know I am talking about extreme boys habits, but I firmly believe most boys/men are this kind. The “nicer” kind are rare.

As a mother she assumes that she was born to nurture and provide for her children. She forgets that she is an individual as well.

Some of you have sisters. You take them for granted as well. They are there, yes, just there. You don’t really learn to respect her as a woman. She is either a second mother or a friend.

Then you have aunts, grandmothers etc, and they are also, just there.

Maybe you respect your teachers, but they are on a different plane altogether.

You have girls as friends. In your growing years, your girl-friends are probably attraction or maybe good friends. I wonder if you respect her as a woman.

After all these brushes with women, you get married. In your formative years, you have most likely failed to understand a woman. Your wife walks in, and she becomes another to-be-taken-for-granted-soul in your household. You fail to realize that she was an equally respected individual in another family. She is a completely unique individual, just like you. She has likes, dislikes, preferences, challenges just like you. Her parents earned hard to provide her an education, most likely as equal as yours, or sometimes higher. She was not born to cook for you, wash your clothes, keep your house clean and look after your kids, just like how your mother was not or your sister was not, then why do you expect this of her?

As I write this I realize, that boys/men are never taught to respect the ‘woman’ unless there was a man in the house, who had already mastered this art and ensured that he passed on his learnings to his son! 🙂

So a mother can teach her sons how to respect women, but its the father who needs to show how its done!