I am a subscriber of positivity pages on social media. Most of them tell me to find happiness within. Honestly, this concept never made sense to me. How can I find happiness within me when everyone around me was pouring sadness over me, making me sad in the process? Everyone has problems and thats what they want to talk about first. As a listener you can be easily swayed into that direction. So what is finding happiness? And how do you do it?

I just exited my forty first year of life. Maybe half-way or more than half-way through and finally I learnt what this means. It is not happiness that one should seek, but stability or equilibrium with yourself and your thoughts. Happiness simply follows. The first step is to know yourself and draw a boundary around yourself. You will not sway outside this boundary, give yourself enough room to feel your emotions, but don’t let anyone else’s emotion cross the boundary and mingle with yours. It took me a long time to know myself. I am still not there, but I know I am on my way. This path of self-identification is helping me understand who I really am.

When you don’t know yourself, you build these walls of sand around you thinking they are your boundary, but the slightest wind will crumble them. You can never be happy within these fake walls. Its days and days of pretense which you want to believe is the real thing. You cannot wake up one day and say, yes, I have no more fake walls. It takes time effort and people around you to help you get there.

Finally when you find happiness within, nobody can touch it and change its baseline. It is a state of enlightenment, maybe the first step to enlightenment. It’s been a year since I wrote the first part of this blog. At 42 I feel I have come closer to myself and found happiness sitting there warm and cozy. It’s not an easy find, it’s not an easy journey to yourself. Once found, your thoughts are elevated. Do I really need to say something here? Maybe not. Does this really impact me? Maybe not. Does anyone need my opinion? Probably not. Before saying anything you put your happiness first subconsciously and determine the course of action that doesn’t meddle with your inner equilibrium.

You finally know what you want actually let me take that back, you finally know what you don’t want. You can clearly delineate between the negative energies in your life and can manage them. You finally see that door you’ve been looking for and it’s within reach. You can run. You can be free. You can be happy.


The pieces

Lay scattered

When they don’t fit

I realize

Their sharp corners


The hollowness within

Why are the pieces scattered

Shouldn’t they be complete

There is that one piece

That fell off the table

Long ago

The hollowness within

A resounding echo

Of the emptiness..



He said

I am here

Where here, she didn’t see no one

Treading the same land

Seeing the sun as you do

She skipped jumped


Her dream of each night

Was coming true

Could this be true

Would it finally happen


She mused

When can I see you

The ray had got to her

Through the cloudy skies

She had waited


Months now

To be held

In love

In life..

Texas Book Festival

2 days to go to the Texas book festival.. find me at the Writers League of Texas booth!!

Day 3 : Life lessons – People in our lives

This is a quote by Mother Teresa and I totally believe it. There is a rhyme and reason for every person in your life. Even the sales guy who drops in once in a while selling things in their goody bag. Recently, when I was in a mental turmoil about my job, my friend, my family, my father, one late evening there was a knock on my door. When I peeped through the glass window, I saw a young lady standing there smiling with a stack of books in a hand. I opened the door and left the door half closed, half open because I didn’t know who this person was and it was pretty late. She told me, she was studying and selling books to help fund her education. Because it was a woman and because she mentioned education I decided to buy a book from her. I paid the money, got the book and out of nowhere she asked me, “is it okay with you if we pray together?” I was caught by surprise. Nobody has come to my door with this request. I said okay. She stood there outside my door on a dark night and prayed for me, my children, for my happiness. It could be a sales gimmick, that’s what you would think when you think from your head. But I tend to think from my heart in such situations and felt a strange calm after she left. I did not get the answers to my issues in life immediately but I got the assurance the God is seeing everything, He is watching over me and He will show me the way just before the turn.

She came to me with a purpose. She was a blessing.

I have been blessed many times over with the presence of women who have taught me “what not to be”. A certain member of my extended family thought it was her primary responsibility to domesticate me. I was Katherine the shrew she had to tame. At that time I was naive and took a big hit on my self confidence, self respect. But in a few years, He jumped in, held my hand and walked me away. Through the whole ordeal I learnt more about myself. The levels to which I could be downgraded, how I would fight such situations and come out a more confidant, self respecting woman. There were other women who through experiences taught me very well, to the comma and to the dot, what not to be. Those were exemplary life lessons.

Life teaches you everyday the purpose of each person and whether they are a blessing or lessons. God tactically places them in your life so that you can evolve into the person you truly are!



I learnt about what #metoo means when I looked up a Malayalam actress’s post. She is a celebrity and can put it. Nobody would care because she is famous and not married. But what ties all women who have had a bad experience to narrate is that they know the feeling, the agony, the umpteen times they have tried to put it out of their system. But it stays like rotten fungus, etched in her memory. The bastard ( I have no lesser word for them) forgets it like eating breakfast that day. 

How many Indian women from middle class families would admit that they were at some point in their life sexually assaulted or abused or whatever crap one wants to call it, for fear of the reaction of their immediate families? Even if the woman has an open mind does her partner or family have an open mind to accept without contempt that the woman close to them went through a harrowing experience which they can’t even begin to imagine? Many men probably attach behavior patterns of the woman with this past experience as if she had a say in the act. She was probably less than ten years of age when she didn’t even recognize her body parts. She was probably a woman with dreams that were crushed because of the bastard’s whim. She was probably a woman who has sons the age of the bastard. There is no particular age that a woman is targeted which exponentially increases the horrendous crime. 

The basic question anyone can ask these bastards is – don’t you have a mother. There is no other way you could have been born and this act is an ultimate insult of her. There is a vast generation of men who are negatively impacted by pornography. They probably don’t have basic sex education or are deprived of sex itself that they launch what they see on the one they can land their hands on first. This is the only part where I don’t believe in karma. It was not her karma to be subject to such a heinous act. Everyone remembers the woman, nobody remembers the bastard. The best example is the Malayalam actor abduction case. Justice is delayed to a celebrity who has the connections so what will happen to a common man. At the mention of her name there will be more perverts who will say with lewd eyes – wasn’t she the one who was abducted and assaulted. There will be few who at the mention of the bastards name will say – wasn’t he the one who harmed the modesty of many women? Somehow he becomes the hero. There is a whole generation of men waiting to get their hands on the videotapes of the assault to satisfy their whatever..

There is a layer of rotten bastards living in today’s world. They should be dug out and killed to stop this menace. Everyone keeps shouting slogans about equality, more power to woman and all that bullshit, what every woman needs is her basic human right to exist as a human being without fear – even if she is a baby. The situation is so disgusting that the only place safe for a woman is in the womb as a foetus. Everything else is risky.

I am in support of the recent movement of educating our sons. Yes they are the ones who should be taught to respect a woman, every woman! 

Sex education is a serious thing and should be taught in schools so that children don’t have to find out what vagina means or what sex means hiding under blankets browsing books they sneaked or googling behind closed doors. It should be talked openly in homes so that they learn to think that sex is a natural phenomenon and not a taboo.

All this while it’s the women who have been fighting, when will the men come down to fight for and protect the women? Why don’t we have more men in the streets raising slogans about keeping her safe? It doesn’t mean women shouldn’t fight for their rights but if there is vast majority of men who believe that women should have their human rights why aren’t they trying to fight the minority of men who resort to such dastardly acts? Why are they opinionated in silos? Why can’t they conjure up forces to pressurize the governments to fastrack these cases, and ensure the bastards are gravely punished so that the next guy who wants to commit this crime thinks atleast for a second before doing it? 

Change still seems like a very distant dream. But I sincerely hope that there is hope. If we do our part today maybe there will be a better tomorrow.. 

With prayers…